Wednesday, June 30, 2010

House Arrest.

The ugliest, creepiest, and most horrifying creation on this earth has been keeping me under house arrest. It also has forced Birdie into minimal potty breaks, and myself into extremely minimal garden tending. I even went so far as to walk around our apartment to water our tomato plant from above our patio fence.

I hate this thing so much. It's scary, it's smart, did I mention ugly?, and HUGE. The tunneled web is almost as gross as the thing itself. I call it the mother spider. And it's life must end. The last few nights we've seen it crawl out of it's nasty home and sit out for hunting. Creepiest looking thing of my life. Andrew has already made 2 attempts at killing it, with no luck. It's made it into that terrible corner both times, and NOW we've only pissed it off. I know it knows. And it is definitely angry. I swear it watches me if I let Birdie out because recently I've seen it's legs moving around (I have chills and a very fast heart rate going right now as I tell you this). And it's re-enforced it's fortress and I think it knows what's about to happen. I am now worried it's plotting to attack Turdling, and I can't sleep at night. I stay up for hours paranoid that it's children are the reasons I feel an 'itch' or a 'tickle' on my leg/body, and I feel sorry Andrew has to deal with my reactions, although I think I could scream and he'd continue sleep talking.

I'm not overreacting. No. I know I'm not because in the month and a half that we've been here, I have seen and killed more spiders then I've ever seen in my LIFE. I KID YOU NOT. We have found many 'mini-mothers' in the house and frankly I'm about to lose it. I worry that Bird is going to get bit in the night in her cage on the floor. And I now make my bed in the most anal way possible to make SURE I don't tuck any in comfortably. I have reason, considering I've found 2 on my made bed, and 3 on the lovesac. I SIT AND SLEEP IN THESE PLACES!

For the first time in my life I actually understand summer sales, and those turd friends of mine who wheel and deal and sell pest control. I've never seen a need, nor found their cause worthy, but that's only because my sweet sweet landlord has always had our home sprayed in the spring, and we've lived spider free for our entire marriage. Have I thanked you for that, Mindy? THANK YOU! Also, the only pest we dealt with growing up was always an insane amount of ants due to the fact that our house was built on their 'hill'.

Anyway, tonight when Andrew gets home it's WAR. We will not stop until I know this thing is dead and gone. I can't do this anymore. I would rather swim with sharks then live with these terrors around my home --oh wait, I've already done the first... happily.

Operation END MOTHER SPIDER starts now. With our spade, spray (I'm going to purchase in MINUTES), jar, shoes, whatever it takes.

it's going down.
or so help me..

10 comments:

e and d said...

i know how you feel. we had these little black beetles EVERYWHERE when spring first came and i was literally starting to lose it. if my leg itched i thought it was a bug! i thought they were bed bugs so i'd search our entire bed before going to sleep. and one night- i called my mom in tears wanting to DIE! luckily our landlord came and sprayed and that took care of it!

ps. i should mention i thought the bugs were nesting inside our new shag rug and it took me back to the day we learned about carpet in miles' class and i almost puked my brains out! :)

Chris said...

go get a bottle of home defense! thats what we did at our Idaho house! best 10 bucks ever spent -- there were some crazy spiders like that in Idaho & some even CrAzier ones here in WA --- but did the home defense ourselves and worked pretty well!!! yeeeesh - i dont blame you one bit! - ps we need to talk about our little caravan-ing extravaganza soon to come!! its coming up quick!

Lacey said...

Ooooh I just got the chills reading this. I just visualize this mother spider...gross! KILL IT! I know what you mean about constantly reacting to every little itch or thing that touches you...I do that at night with roaches. There have been too many times where I have woken up to a giant roach on my leg...in my bed!!! UGH! Maybe you should look into spraying your house? I don't know how you do it, I think I would just freak out.
Let us all know how it goes. My suggestion to kill would be spraying down the spider and web with a bathroom cleaner/bleach or something, and then smashing it. That makes me sound cruel, doesn't it! haha.

Francesca said...

Good luck! I feel your pain/fear. I think all insects should die.

Kelsey and Riley said...

oh my word! definitely not over reacting, trust me. i would be dying. i really hope you kill that mother. ha uggh so sorry!

Val Murphy said...

ha, i enjoyed this....i do NOT enjoy your pain however. I found a black widow on my bed in Utah when I was in college. Never again did I leave my window open, NEVER AGAIN! Hope things turned out well, you'll have to give us an update!

Val Murphy said...

Just noticed your tweets...congrats!

Ashley said...

congrats on the death of the mother spider. you should teach birdie to eat them or something. remember when the knights' cat 'elvis' would eat all the june bugs for them? awesomeness!

Nikki Nielsen said...

spiders are terrifying. i see above that mother spider is no longer, and i truly am thrilled for you!

Ashley said...

Ewwww, I HATE spiders with a passion! I actually never see them in my house. Isn't that weird? I found lots more in my apartments in Utah than I've ever found here. Sometimes I see them outside, but never inside. Strange, huh?