Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Letter to Bird..

My radical grandma (we call her Street Gramma, or GG).. sends LOTS of emails. All kinds, as I have mentioned before. Anyway, today the letter found below was in my inbox from GG, and I found it quite humorous, and very true at points. Those of you who have pets (and treat them like humans as we do) I'm sure will find it amusing as well.

I am currently considering printing a copy and attaching it to the very bottom of our fridge for Birdie to read ..she is very short, even by dog standards. However, I don't recommend saying that to her face. She has a pretty severe case of little man syndrome, bless her mini-doxie heart.

Anyway.. enjoy.

PS. Thanks GG, we love you!

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk
on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) They eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ....

1 comment:

Lacey said...

Hahaha that was so funny! I can just imagine our dog doing all of those things! Birdie is too cute! I just melt over doxie pictures. It makes me think of our herd of three at home in California.