Monday, July 23, 2012

our baby making sojourn.

Let me first start by saying. I'm speechless. I will try to find the words.

I'm overwhelmed. Grateful. Humbled. Happy. And excited beyond belief. Our first baby is on the way. It feels so surreal, and I'll tell you why...

This hasn't been an easy journey for us (okay mostly me...). It's been 4 years now trying to make this happen, and I can't believe it's finally here. After a miscarriage, a supposedly misshapen uterus, and being told possible miscarriages would be in store in the future... making babies looked like a scary road to travel. A year later when I felt ready enough to take that road (come what may) we were faced with scary path number 2.. not even GETTING pregnant. This is when it got tough.

For us it was no walk in the park. We do lots of those, park walks that is. And if it were that easy, we would have a billion children by now. There are those of you who ARE this lucky. Who's husbands seemingly only have to wink at you, and bam... pregnant. Up until now that was always the hardest part of my friendships. Feeling left in the dust. Inadequate and unable. Watching everyone I know welcome new bundles of joy covered in peach fuzz, was getting nearly unbearable. I wasn't sure that I could handle another "mommy playgroup" where I was the only one without a mini me running around. I wasn't sure if I could handle another nap-time photo on Instagram. I didn't think I could handle another Waffle Wednesday, where I would find out yet another one of my friends was expecting, not their first.. but their second baby.

The blood draws I could handle. At least those made me feel closer to the possibility of motherhood. I had been seeing the fertility specialist for 6 months at that point, and was finally getting some clarity. My hormones were WACK. This felt like old news to me. I went on birth control after high school to help balance out my lady problems in the first place. My worry was.. would anything they give me do anything? Would I have to run the whole gamut shown weekly on Private Practice, or Grey's Anatomy? Ovulation meds? Next up, HCG shots? Followed by the in-vetro/insemination extravaganza? I mean, we were just MONTHS away from very seriously starting our adoption research, and I wasn't planning on being surprised if it came to that. In fact, we still welcome the idea with open arms.

During these months of infertility visits, we had decided it was time to treat my body real good so that hopefully it would want to make babies. This is when I started eating healthier. I adopted more of my husband's eating habits while dropping some of my "6 year old boy" ones. This eventually turned into retiring meat as an almost whole. I found myself in the gym 2 to 3 times a week. Treating my body like it wanted to be treated. And the vitamins and supplements were being fully embraced. My body was feeling good.

This is when silly sweet fertility man, with his fertility statues & wizard calendars adorning the walls... suggested we start the "whole gamut." First step, ovulation hormone regulation. A 5 day pill at the start of my next cycle. Sure, let's get on the western medicine train and hope it helps! I was all for creating healthy eggs that would be up to par with Andrew's unbelievably flawless swimmers (this is the honest truth). Little did I know, that little push toward aiding my ovaries... was all my body needed.

I must add, I was never mentally "stressed". Everyone likes to tell you when you have fertility problems, "oh well once you stop stressing about it, that's when it'll happen, so try to relax!" Well goodness people, do you know who I am? Relaxing is a sport I could win an Olympic medal for. I'm real good at that. Besides, I was already prepared to keep going on the trip down "give me everything you've got lined up, doc" lane. So it's possible that this lack of pressure I was feeling toward making these pills WORK, is what helped us out. I was relaxed. And just as a word of wisdom, if you know someone dealing with fertility problems, only offer up this advice if it genuinely helped you create life.. because otherwise these words are the type to cinch an infertile woman's panties into a bunch. There are probably few things that will stress a stressed woman more than letting her know, she shouldn't be stressed.

Also, a moment goes out to my stud of a husband. Andrew is the most level headed individual I've ever known. He's always been able to see the bigger picture. The man truly has a perspective like no other, and that has helped us to stay perfectly calm and happy along the way. And to calm my nerves when I needed him most. I love him. He will make a great father.

The week of the pills felt GREAT. Maybe that should have been an indication that it was definitely what my body needed. I was in a great mood, I had energy and happiness to spare, and could just tell they were only helping. Luckily by this point I was a champ at knowing my ovulation schedule. Months of pee strips made this second nature. So thank goodness I had it down pat, stress free, during the month that it would count the most. By the time the month was over, I don't know how else to put it other than I felt pregnant. 3 days, 3 pee tests, 2 blood tests, & 1 temple visit later... it was official.

We. ARE. pregnant.

Tears build up as I write this. It's really happening to us. I can't believe it. It took so long, but in the end the solution was so simple. To say I will be grateful to have this little life a part of ours, is an understatement. After everything, this baby is more than worth it.

The pregnancy has been a breeze. I welcome the mild queasiness, raging appetite, sleepiness, & insane bloating with open arms. I have it good, and I would still feel beyond happy if my face was the one in the toilet all day everyday. If that's what it takes, I at least know now, I would go through whatever it takes.

If you are just now hearing all of this news and wonder why I didn't tell you sooner, just know it has always been a very tender situation... and I was only ready to share it with those who would be ready to calm my aching heart if, God forbid, it came to that. So you are now all welcomed into the very personal life of mine, that I have kept closed for so long. And I am happy to share it with you. (:

So for those of you silent sufferers (I know you're out there), and my dear friends that I know have been struggling as well... I hope with all of my heart that you read this and don't feel the pain. The sting will be there, I know... I've felt it all too many times. But rather, I genuinely long for this news to give you hope. What will get you to the goal may not be the same as what's gotten me here, but know that it's possible. And know that I am willing to talk to you about any of my struggles if it would help you in the slightest. If you want to hear nothing of it, I understand that too. I love you... and I will always be aware of your circumstances.

There is something so warming about knowing someone who very literally understands what you're going through. It feels like a hug. And up until now, I felt that the most from my Savior. I love Him with all of my heart and thank Him for always being there.

I am so grateful He is finally giving me the chance to be a mother to this baby boy.

We love him already.


Erin said...

I love you Air!!! I'm sooooooooo happy for you!!!! (and so happy you are now telling the world!) AND A BOY!! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!! This made me cry, in a good way :) I just love you! SO HAPPY!!

YEAH!! I'm going to go shopping now for all things mini surfer :) LOVE YOU!

Erin Phend said...

Arica!!! This totally made me cry! I am so excited for you and you are going to be SUCH an amazing Mommy!! There is NOTHING like being a Mom, the instant love you feel for your sweet baby, I am so grateful that it's your turn :) love ya girl!- Erin Phend (Browning)

The Taylors said...

I know I don't even really know you but I remember when you were in school with Mike, hearing that you had gone through a miscarriage too. I have been hoping to see this announcement for a long time, and I am so so so happy for you! Its such a hard trial to struggle with getting/staying pregnant, but coming from someone who has been there and now have my 2nd child almost here, know that it makes the whole thing seem so much sweeter and more perfect. (it seems like you already know that though!) CONGRATS I am so excited for you! GOOD LUCK with the doggie and baby mixing-it went well for us as I'm sure it will for you :)


Heather said...

Arica, I'm so happy for you! And as you know boys are THE BEST!! Xoxoxoxoxoxo

brittney said...

I AM SO SO HAPPY FOR YOU! This was so beautiful to read - thank you for posting it.

I love you the most and you must call me if you need absolutely anything.

Val Murphy said...

smiles and happy for you guys!

alexismdyer said...

Get ready to have a new crush in your life. You won't be able to stop kissing him. ;) I am so happy for you. Know I'm here for you if you ever need a virtual hug since you live so blasted far. But I adore you and know you are gonna be one radical mommy. xoxoxo

McKenzie King said...

oh baby!!! congrats!! I am so happy for you.

Kelsey M. said...

oh arica i am SO beyond happy and thrilled for you guys. what a journey, you are so strong and deserve this more than ever. congrats, congrats, congrats! you are going to be an awesome mom, and yay for a boy they are so much fun! sooo so happy for you!

Francesca said...

YAY!!! I hope the rest of your pregnancy and labor are great too.

The Clingo Family said...

Ahhh!! Arica! I'm so excited and happy for you! SO so so happy for you! And a little BOY! Baby Boys are so fun :) When are you due?? I bet we're pretty close!! :)

Carissa Rasmussen said...

Congrats! That seriously is my exact story:-) the worst part is even after you have one, people still pester you and ask when you are having the next one, seemingly ignoring the fact it's your business and they don't realize the effort it took just to get one here and maybe you just have to let the Lord decide when the babies come cause you have done everything possible! (that was quite the run on)

Megan said...

This is beautiful news. So grateful the Lord's timing is finally showing the results y'all have been waiting for! And I know this is going to be one blessed little fella, because really, who else will have such incredibly cool parentals? Can't think of anyone off the top of my head. Congrats to you and Andrew and little munchkin.

Carolyn Baggett said...

I remember you sharing in a talk or testimony about your miscarriage and how it was a struggle to get pregnant. Coming from someone who has a child but has been struggling to have #2 for a few years, I know the pain that comes from infertility. Many women don't share it, but I'm so so glad you did in this post. You are beautiful and remarkable and you will be a wonderful mother! Congrats to your growing family! God bless you and your little one!
-Carolyn Baggett

Leslie said...

congratulations! what a blessing, you will be a wonderful mama, i can tell, because you are able to appreciate the beauty in this miracle and it is obvious that Heavenly Father knows you and is taking care. best wishes!

Holly & Matthew Blanchard said...

What a beautiful post! Matthew and I are so very excited for you both... actually all 3 of you!!! HUGS to you for a safe and healthy journey!! You will be in our thoughts and prayers. :) CONGRATS!!!

Friends from good old Pleasant Springs WD

Megan Marie said...

beautiful. i can't wait for this new chapter of our lives. i'm a bit freaked out having to be responsible for this new little life. but tanner told me that god wouldn't make living a commandment miserable. that made me feel a lot better and more confident of teaching a little one!

i'm so excited for you guys! hooray!!

you look so BEAUTIFUL!