I'm overwhelmed. Grateful. Humbled. Happy. And excited beyond belief. Our first baby is on the way. It feels so surreal, and I'll tell you why...
This hasn't been an easy journey for us (okay mostly me...). It's been 4 years now trying to make this happen, and I can't believe it's finally here. After a miscarriage, a supposedly misshapen uterus, and being told possible miscarriages would be in store in the future... making babies looked like a scary road to travel. A year later when I felt ready enough to take that road (come what may) we were faced with scary path number 2.. not even GETTING pregnant. This is when it got tough.
For us it was no walk in the park. We do lots of those, park walks that is. And if it were that easy, we would have a billion children by now. There are those of you who ARE this lucky. Who's husbands seemingly only have to wink at you, and bam... pregnant. Up until now that was always the hardest part of my friendships. Feeling left in the dust. Inadequate and unable. Watching everyone I know welcome new bundles of joy covered in peach fuzz, was getting nearly unbearable. I wasn't sure that I could handle another "mommy playgroup" where I was the only one without a mini me running around. I wasn't sure if I could handle another nap-time photo on Instagram. I didn't think I could handle another Waffle Wednesday, where I would find out yet another one of my friends was expecting, not their first.. but their second baby.
The blood draws I could handle. At least those made me feel closer to the possibility of motherhood. I had been seeing the fertility specialist for 6 months at that point, and was finally getting some clarity. My hormones were WACK. This felt like old news to me. I went on birth control after high school to help balance out my lady problems in the first place. My worry was.. would anything they give me do anything? Would I have to run the whole gamut shown weekly on Private Practice, or Grey's Anatomy? Ovulation meds? Next up, HCG shots? Followed by the in-vetro/insemination extravaganza? I mean, we were just MONTHS away from very seriously starting our adoption research, and I wasn't planning on being surprised if it came to that. In fact, we still welcome the idea with open arms.
During these months of infertility visits, we had decided it was time to treat my body real good so that hopefully it would want to make babies. This is when I started eating healthier. I adopted more of my husband's eating habits while dropping some of my "6 year old boy" ones. This eventually turned into retiring meat as an almost whole. I found myself in the gym 2 to 3 times a week. Treating my body like it wanted to be treated. And the vitamins and supplements were being fully embraced. My body was feeling good.
This is when silly sweet fertility man, with his fertility statues & wizard calendars adorning the walls... suggested we start the "whole gamut." First step, ovulation hormone regulation. A 5 day pill at the start of my next cycle. Sure, let's get on the western medicine train and hope it helps! I was all for creating healthy eggs that would be up to par with Andrew's unbelievably flawless swimmers (this is the honest truth). Little did I know, that little push toward aiding my ovaries... was all my body needed.
I must add, I was never mentally "stressed". Everyone likes to tell you when you have fertility problems, "oh well once you stop stressing about it, that's when it'll happen, so try to relax!" Well goodness people, do you know who I am? Relaxing is a sport I could win an Olympic medal for. I'm real good at that. Besides, I was already prepared to keep going on the trip down "give me everything you've got lined up, doc" lane. So it's possible that this lack of pressure I was feeling toward making these pills WORK, is what helped us out. I was relaxed. And just as a word of wisdom, if you know someone dealing with fertility problems, only offer up this advice if it genuinely helped you create life.. because otherwise these words are the type to cinch an infertile woman's panties into a bunch. There are probably few things that will stress a stressed woman more than letting her know, she shouldn't be stressed.
Also, a moment goes out to my stud of a husband. Andrew is the most level headed individual I've ever known. He's always been able to see the bigger picture. The man truly has a perspective like no other, and that has helped us to stay perfectly calm and happy along the way. And to calm my nerves when I needed him most. I love him. He will make a great father.
The week of the pills felt GREAT. Maybe that should have been an indication that it was definitely what my body needed. I was in a great mood, I had energy and happiness to spare, and could just tell they were only helping. Luckily by this point I was a champ at knowing my ovulation schedule. Months of pee strips made this second nature. So thank goodness I had it down pat, stress free, during the month that it would count the most. By the time the month was over, I don't know how else to put it other than I felt pregnant. 3 days, 3 pee tests, 2 blood tests, & 1 temple visit later... it was official.
We. ARE. pregnant.
Tears build up as I write this. It's really happening to us. I can't believe it. It took so long, but in the end the solution was so simple. To say I will be grateful to have this little life a part of ours, is an understatement. After everything, this baby is more than worth it.
The pregnancy has been a breeze. I welcome the mild queasiness, raging appetite, sleepiness, & insane bloating with open arms. I have it good, and I would still feel beyond happy if my face was the one in the toilet all day everyday. If that's what it takes, I at least know now, I would go through whatever it takes.
If you are just now hearing all of this news and wonder why I didn't tell you sooner, just know it has always been a very tender situation... and I was only ready to share it with those who would be ready to calm my aching heart if, God forbid, it came to that. So you are now all welcomed into the very personal life of mine, that I have kept closed for so long. And I am happy to share it with you. (:
So for those of you silent sufferers (I know you're out there), and my dear friends that I know have been struggling as well... I hope with all of my heart that you read this and don't feel the pain. The sting will be there, I know... I've felt it all too many times. But rather, I genuinely long for this news to give you hope. What will get you to the goal may not be the same as what's gotten me here, but know that it's possible. And know that I am willing to talk to you about any of my struggles if it would help you in the slightest. If you want to hear nothing of it, I understand that too. I love you... and I will always be aware of your circumstances.
There is something so warming about knowing someone who very literally understands what you're going through. It feels like a hug. And up until now, I felt that the most from my Savior. I love Him with all of my heart and thank Him for always being there.
I am so grateful He is finally giving me the chance to be a mother to this baby boy.
We love him already.