Thursday, December 18, 2008

Someday I will understand why.

Wednesday morning of this week brought some pretty scary/horrific/fearful scenarios with it. It was that morning that I had realized "oh my goodness. this can't be happening, but it very well COULD be." My heart was shattered and for the span of the following two days, I had become very aware that I was miscarrying. Now I want to stop you right there and let you know that I am doing very well. And I also want you to know, that yes.. it's true. I am no longer expecting.
I have decided to share quite a bit of the information with you so that A- I don't have to repeat myself more than is necessary, and B- so that you can understand to some degree what it is exactly that I'm going through.
Now as sad as it may be, this miscarriage has brought many wonderful learning experiences into my life, in the short yet terrifyingly long past 3 days. I want you to know that I informed the world of our precious news fairly early and for good reason. Almost days after I had learned of our conception, I ran into a speed bump, and was terrified of loosing the baby. That night my sweet husband and our home teacher gave me a very profound blessing. The spirit was unbearably strong, and we all knew that our Heavenly Father was talking to me. He informed us in that blessing that we needed not worry, and that our baby would be born to live a wonderful life full of many experiences that this world has to offer. It was after that moment, that I felt it un-necessary to keep it our news a secret. I truly felt in my heart, what better way to show my faith then to tell the world of our news. At this point in time, do I understand WHY he would tell us these things and then have them not follow through? Of course not. But do I blame God in any way for what has happened? Absolutely not. If anything my faith has only grown stronger through this experience then ever. I have never felt my Savior & Father closer. But you better believe that I will definitely have to ask him for some explainations in the not too near future. Also, do I regret having informed everyone? Not at all. I am still extremely glad that I did, because I know my Father in heaven felt my faith being exercised, and I KNOW he recognised the sincerity of my heart.
Moving on to the recent events..
Wednesday was the most horrifying day of all. I had no answers, and my heart ached for what could be and WAS happening. I could do nothing but wait. Wait for answers and wait for help. Amidst the chaos of it all, my poor husband has been stressed up to his ears with finals & could hardly take care of himself, let alone a miscarrying wife. So luckily enough, my mother came to help us make it through the week. Yesterday we learned that yes, I was in fact miscarrying our child, and so much more. Turns out yours truly is very likely to have fairly medium/high risk pregnancies. I have a mildly heart shaped uterus (precious. ..not) that makes KEEPING pregnancies more difficult for myself than for most women. Location of the baby is KEY and will have to be monitored from here on out anytime we conceive. So what does this mean? Well luckily from this point on we wont be going into this blindly. Now we know what to watch out for and worry about (a bitter-sweet reality). We also now have a DREAM of an OB to work with on the pregnancies to come. He had to do my D&C (no we didn't read scriptures, but I definitely have been really into those lately) today, which for those who don't know, that's a surgery to remove whats left, so that I don't have to miscarry for weeks to come.
So naturally, all of this has been a lot to handle. It's been a bit extreme going from expecting, to surgery, & finding out I have a pretty complicated situation for the future. Yes, it is sad, but like I said, I KNOW it is all happening for a reason. Reasons I don't know, but for a reason none the less. Also, I want my close friends and dear loved ones to know ((ESPECIALLY those who are expecting/or have had babies recently)) that this in NO way bitters my love and excitement for their wonderful babies and babies to be. If anything, I am even moreso happy for them because I was able to taste what it was like for 3 months, and can now relate that much more. I love you guys very much and still want to be your preggers buddy. :)
So to keep positive in this time of semi-agony I have been looking at the bright side. I've had myself a nice diet coke, and look forward to sitting in a very cozy hot tub when we get home to California. And guess what, I now get to surf with no concerns what so ever. ..anything to stay positive, right?
And on an ending note, this has helped me keep positive above all..
D&C 122: 7-9
"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit... if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to headge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my [daughter], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee... therefore, fear not... for God shall be with you forever and ever."

I love you God, and I love you baby. Thank you for the short time we had together.

33 comments:

Nikki said...

Arica, I'm sorry to hear about this. I miscarried between Taylen and Ryah, and for me it was a very weird/sad/sort of out-of-body experience. Life is hard sometimes. And even though we know it's all for a reason, it still seriously stinks!

I'm sorry you've had a rough week. You guys will be in my thoughts...

Kyle and Rebecca Monson said...

Arica I love your spirit. I'm so sorry for your loss during this time. I am inspired by your continued faith and trust in Heavenly Father! Thank you for the example and here is to wishing you a happy holiday with family and relaxation. :)

Seth and Lacey said...

Wow, I'm really sorry for your loss. But I'm so glad that you have such a good perspective on things. You have the right attitude and so much faith in Heavenly Father, and I'm sure you will be blessed for that. And I'm sure you will be the best mom when the time comes for you to have your sweet baby!

Have a great Christmas and stay positive! It will all work itself out!

The Clingo Family said...

Arica, I wish I could give you a big hug!!

Our Quiet Rope Ranch said...

You have grown up, becoming such a wonderful, strong, faithful child of God. I only hope that with all the trials I have to face that I can turn to my Heavenly Father as you have, and find comfert and strength in him.
I know we arn't friends. But I did know you as a little girl. I am so proud of you.

Heather Lee said...

Arica,
I know you probably don't need (or want) to hear from me, someone you don't even know, after such a personal post. But I really admire your strength and sweetness with this situation you're going through. I can't imagine what you're experiencing, or relate. I do know that you love that baby the minute you find out you're pregnant and you love them just the same ever after, as I know you'll love your baby forever. So my heart really does ache for you.
Please let me know when you find some answers to your questions. I have already learned a lot through reading this post.
Funny how I can admire you and I haven't even met you properly =)
I hope this doesn't sound trite, but please let me know if you need anything.

Ashley Lisonbee said...

Arica. . .
You are so strong and I am in awe of your perspective in this trial. Many times I have said why me and why now. . . and you have shown such faith and its amazing how you have dealt and grown. I can't imagine the feelings of sorrow and loss you feel. Even with experiences I have gone through I know this must be so hard. I can say I too am so grateful for my own trials because it has brought me so close to my Savior and helped me realize a little better my purpose on earth and such gratitude for life. I love you so much and wish I could take the pain away. This must be difficult for your family too. . .I wish them comfort. Be at peace and know. . .one day you will hold your child.
Luvs,Ashley

The Nielsens said...

arica friend...so sorry to hear. way to keep things positive, i admire you. lots of love.

Gma Cheryl said...

My heart aches for your loss. In your corner, of course, is the Savior, and also your husband, and terrific parents, family and friends. On top of all that, you have a firm grasp of the gospel. And as you know, our testimonies help us the most when there are no answers or reasons for the trials that touch our lives. Consider yourself kissed on the forehead and hugged by your old Seminary teacher.

Amy Marie said...

You are a awesome girl, so strong and wise. Your just awesome. Thanks for posting this. I admire you for how you are handling your situation.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. :(

Tiffany said...

Sorry to hear that sad news. Glad to see that you are handling it so well. Way to stay positive and to continue to have faith in the Lord.

Ashley Smith said...

Air,
I'm so glad for the tender responses that so many have given you. So much of them are things I wanted to tell you, but didn't feel right saying...like how would I know right? I still have my baby. But I have been more prepared emotionally for a miscarriage for myself than you because of my condition, and now it is all the more real that any day I could be in your position. I just wanted to tell you I love you. I'm glad that you found strength and comfort in that passage of the Lord to Joseph Smith. Those verses gave me comfort so many times in my life, and especially through my trials a few years back. Like you, I was very sad at what my condition limited me to at the time and possibly in the future, but I was relieved to know what the problem was and to not have to go through so much emotional and physical pain without any explanation of why. I know you are strong and have the right understanding of the eternal picture. I am so sad to do this without you (if mine even makes it full term), but I know there is a special spirit meant to come to you at a certain time perhaps for some important event to be able to happen in their own life (meeting their eternal companion, meeting and converting certain souls on their mission, etc.). Don't give up.

Love your best friend,
Ashley

Calee said...

Arica...wow - I am so impressed by your positive attitude. You are truly inspirational & so is your faith.

Thanks for sharing your testimony through your trials with everyone who follows your family here.

- <3 Calee

Aaron said...

i know i already told you all this, but i love you. and my heart aches for you.

even though you know this all happens for a reason (what a wonderful outlook you've come to!!! bravo!!), that doesn't make the heart stop hurting but i pray that it will with time.

and although i have never miscarried or been pregnant, i know the wanting for a baby and just waiting and waiting, and the heartache that comes with THAT (and it was never even real yet!!) i'll be thinking of you home girl.

my heart is with you, and my prayers. i wish i could see you and hug you and cry together...

Aaron said...

that was me ERIN, not AARON.

Melody said...

Arica, I truly feel for you. Your attitude is incredibly touching and inspirational. You and your family are in my prayers.

The Sager Family said...

Arica, I am really sorry to hear this. I admire your attitude. Sometimes in life, we are thrown curve balls, but like you said everything happens for a reason. I have a saying on my wall that I truly believe, "God doesn't give you what you can handle, he helps you handle what you are given." Let me know if you need anything.

The Wattson Family said...

Well said Arica. Your post is a relief to all who read it. You have dealt with the elephant in the room for those who don't know what to say. God bless you and your deep abiding faith in him.

Holly and Matthew said...

Arica, my heart goes out to you during this most difficul time. I cannot even comprehend how hard this must have been for both you and Andrew. How grateful I am to know that our dear Heavenly Father comprehends what we do not understand. I don't know what I would do without the Gospel in my life. I know that our Heavenly Father loves us and is keenly aware of our journey from beginning to end. Thank you so much for this very tender entry and for your incredible testimony of faith and patience. Please know Matthew and I will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. We sure do love you! :) Please stay in touch. We miss you guys! :)

Holly and Matthew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Holly and Matthew said...

Sorry, Arica... that was my comment deleted. :) It posted twice by mistake. :)

Ashley said...

Wow Arica, you are an amazing person. I'm so sorry for your loss, but your post has inspired me to have a better attitude about anything that could happen to me in the future. You have the most incredible attitude about your situation, and I just love you for it! I especially love your last two sentences, they are so sweet. Way to keep the faith. :)

B RACHEL AND LENNON said...

You are amazing. I am so sorry to hear. Your right, there was probably a reason... You might never know why but there is always a reason. You are a strength to a lot of people. Stay positive! Life is good. We will be thinking of you both.

Megan said...

I'm so sorry..both to you and Andrew. I had a miscarriage before Andrew (my baby) and it was devastating. Your perspective totally inspired me...You are strong, and you and Andrew as a couple are even stronger. Amazing how the Lord allows for trials to happen to people who He knows can handle them. Even though it sounds dumb, the biggest blessing I've received from that oh-so-hard experience is the fact that I feel so much more empathy for those who deal with the loss of a baby. So, we are praying for you, and we love you guys!

Francesca said...

Wow, Arica. You are amazing! I hope you will have no more problems with future pregnancies. You will make such a great mom!

Love and prayers,
Cheski

Hoy Family said...

So I read this a few days ago and I have been trying to figure out what to say, but I have no words. I'm so sorry for your loss. Every time I think about you (and that has been quite often lately) I tear up and more often than not those tears spill out into a full out good cry! You are an amazing person because I know that I could not be as strong as you are - You are a good example to me and others around you. I am so sorry for this experience but I am glad that you are still strong in the gospel. Again - I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to comment and I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need anything... Even just to talk. Love you!

CIERA said...

I don't have much to say except that I love you. I am looking forward to seeing you while you're here. Muah.

shelly said...

There's never anything good to say in situations like this, and that makes me sad because my heart truly aches for you. All I can say is that I'm really, really sorry for you and your husband. I believe that in the future when you go through an especially hard day, you should go back and read what you posted on this because you have a firm grasp of what is true and important. Again, I'm so sorry. If you don't mind a little advice, you and Andrew always need to keep leaning on each other and the Lord as you go through this...He will not forsake you.

kennan said...

you don't know me. andrew does. i found your blog and i want to tell you....

it gets easier, not better, just easier. i promise. i've been there. baby will always be yours and you will get your turn to love it.

good luck and tell drew hi.

Tyson and Lauren Davies said...

Hey Arika. i really enjoyed reading all postings of your blog. Sorry to hear the sad news. I'm glad you are doing so well.

Cameron and Lindsay Rondo said...

I'm sorry to hear this but I'm glad you're keeping positive. At least you have a great doctor who knows how to keep great care of you next time. I wish we could have seen you in San Diego but we're already back.
Hope you're alright.
much love,
lindsay

Amber Irene said...

i love you

ABCollins said...

Arica,
I truly admire the person you are. I'm sorry for your loss and I know we don't know each other, but if ever you want to talk, I'm here to listen. I've got this wonderful book that my aunt gave me when my sweet baby girl returned to our Heavenly Father and if your interested I'd love to send it to you. Just let me know. Your in our prayers!

Ashley and Bradley